::yeah, it's Lucus(dot)com::

I'm really excited about tomorrow!  Kim and I are going to hang out for most of the day.  I get to relax, have bff time, and we're getting DRUNK tomorrow night!  WOOO!!!  I do have to clean the house though.  It's kinda messy, and Kim's suppose to spend the night tomorrow night.  I can't have bff time in a messy house, now can I?  No.  Exactly.

Right now I'm watching my favorite thing ever on Tuesday and Thursday nights, the Zedalza Radio Show.  I love it.  I can't shop laughing while watching.

I have a lot to do tomorrow.  I really think I need to go to sleep now.  I have a huge mess of pictures/photo albums in my computer room here and I don't know what to do with it all.  I need some help.  I want them all scanned/digital and on flickr.  I think on my permanent Christmas/Birthday lists are going to be renewals of my flickr pro account.  Yeah, family...I'm not hard to buy for.  lol.

Sometime within the next week I'm going Christmas shopping and I'm pretty excited.  I'm not really buying too much and I don't really have many people to buy for, but it's still fun.  I'll bust of my N'Sync Christmas cd and start jamming along while I'm decorating the tree!  lol.  Loves it!

I do need to download more Christmas music and put it on my iPod for while I'm Christmas shopping.  Oh yeah, I'm one of those people shopping.  Those ear buds will be in my ears and all that mess that's going on around me will be completely muted.  lol

Bedtime.  Good night!

Damn.
Damn.
Damn it.

I don't want to work today.  I mean, I don't particularly like closing at work to begin with, but tonight is my first night closing with our brand-new holiday hours!  We're going to be open until 11p.

What.

The.

Fuck.

I'm scheduled until 11:45p, and I'm praying to 8lb 6oz sweet baby Jesus that we're going to leave directly at 11.  I have to work tomorrow morning, I am not going to get any sleep, and I'm sure I'll be super bitchy.

I'm going to start moblogging A LOT more and I'm really excited about it!

Along with posting pics here, I'm waiting on the qik.app for the iPhone to come out, I constantly update on my twitter , and I'm also going to be posting pics on my flickr .  Be sure to check me out, follow me, friend me, and COMMENT!

I feel like Rev Run right now. I'm blogging on my phone, from my bed-not the tub. lol. I'm watching Clean House right now really wanting to completely redesign my house or decorate or something. So what happened to Niecy? She hasn't been on the past two episodes...Granted, I'm glad there isn't a guest host, but I miss my Niecy!!!

Tomorrow is going to be a little rushed for me. I think that's why I went ahead and came to bed. I can't sleep though. :-( At least I only work two days then I'm off Wednesday and Thursday. I want to go hang out with my uncle sometime this week, hopefully Tuesday night or something. It's always fun talking to him. He's just one of those extremely interesting people who can always get you interested or engaged in a conversation about anything. I'll post some of his Africa pics here in the blog, on my Flickr, or both. They're pretty awesome, I must admit.

I kinda wish I had a myspace. All of my family does and I think that would somehow keep us in touch. Granted, we all live in the same county as each other, we don't talk much at all. Maybe if they knew more about me, they'd like me more? Maybe they'd want to talk to me? Or maybe they'd just really dislike me even more. Idk why they don't like me. :-(

Ok. I must sleep. I'm going to try to go to sleep watching Clean House, Ruby, or some random show. Maybe even American Dad. I love that show!

Today was suppose to be my catch up day.  Hmm...  It sure didn't work out that way, but I'm fine with it.  I've done a lot of stuff, so I am satisfied with my progress.  My blog looks amazing, Chris and I had a great day hanging out, and I'm getting back into doing things that I like doing.  That's all that matters.  :-)

I've realized that I haven't been focused enough on myself lately.  That's what I'm doing now.  It's all Lucus, all the time.  Ok, well, maybe not all the time, but most of the time.  lol.

I am catching up on The Hills as I type this, catching up on my blogging, about to catch up on my vlogging, cook dinner, and do some laundry.

I won't even start out by trying to pretend and say I understand my family.

I don't.

I love them all so much, but I just don't understand them sometimes.

Ok, most of the time.

I'm really trying now though to make a conscious effort to be a part of their lives and include them in mine. I've tried with a lot of them, with no luck, but I've seen who actually wants to build that relationship and those are the ones who I am going to try to build a relationship with.

My uncle definitely sees that I'm trying to have him in my life, and he is making just as much effort as I am.  I think that means more to me than anything....the fact that one of my family members is actually trying just as much as I am to build that relationship.  I really appreciate it.

I'm sleepy, I can't write much more tonight.  Maybe tomorrow...

Well, if you're reading this then you clearly see the amazing new theme I have now.  Omg, I love it! It looks absolutely amazing and I spent a lot of time getting everything exactly the way I want it.  Granted, I definitely did NOT write the code myself, but I did tweak it here and there.  I also have a few other things I plan on adding here and there, but for now I love it!  It's so...me!  Loves it!

Yesterday, I received some horrible news that has really shook my family up.  One of my step brothers passed away in a tragic accident on I-75 on Saturday night.  As for details, I'm completely unsure of exactly what happened, all I know is that he's gone.  I can't even begin to describe what I'm feeling right now for my step father.  There are no words that I could say to take even a small amount of the pain away.  That's what's hurting me so bad.  I can't stand to see anyone I care about hurting especially family members.  My step dad has always been there for me whenever I needed him and I just really wish there was something I could do to help him.  The other thing that is so horrible about this situation is my step brother's son.  He's like 12 and he's lost his dad.  Believe me, I know what it feels like to almost lose a parent(my father), but for someone to actually lose their parent at such a young age, I don't see how he's going to handle it.  My mom is being amazing and standing by my step father's side through all of this, but I know she's torn apart inside. 

I talked to my mom on the phone last night, and all she could do was cry.  I can't stand to see or hear my mother cry.  It kills me inside.  Then, she started telling me how when all of this happened, how it reminded her of when I almost lost my life when I was 8.  All of this just really got to me.  I mean, I held it together while I was on the phone with her, but as soon as I hung up, I just burst into tears.  Between everything that happened, thinking about my step-dad, his son, the child, my mom, and then all the memories being brought back from when I was 8, I couldn't hold it in. 

All I can think about is how things are going to change for everyone.  Then I get even more sad than before.

Tomorrow is "visiting" day and Wednesday is the funeral.  I don't know what I'm going to say or do.  I don't want to cry infront of anyone because I don't want them to hurt worse.  I just want to give my step dad a hug, but I don't know if that would be ok either.  I'm so confused and so upset.  I get even more upset because I'm so confused on what I should do.  There isn't any easy answer to this.  It's going to be horrible, I know that much. 

Any suggestions?  Please comment.  I need all the help I can get on this.