::yeah, it's Lucus(dot)com::

I get so sad when I think about my family and how I don't even know any of them. I am thinking about this more and more. I know we're never going to be close like I want us all to be, but I just wish that at some point in time we'd try to communicate at least.

I feel like I actually had a breakthrough with my uncle this weekend. I'm really going to try to make our relationship better. He seemed to really appreciate me(of all people in our family) hanging out with him for hours. I mean, we did absolutely nothing, but sit on the front porch and talk and I had an AMAZING time. Probably one of the best conversations I've had with someone in my family in a while. He's so funny and got such a good heart. I mean, I know he's sometimes not the most sensible with his actions, but he really is an amazing person.

Some other people in my family, I'm not even sure if I would actually want to get to know or even try. I guess that's the way a lot of them feel about me. I heard, "through the grape vine," that a lot of people in my family think that I think that I'm better than them. Well, that's very far from the truth. I think some of them make very poor choices and have cloudy judgment at times, but I do not think I'm better than anyone.

I'd really like to get to know my older brother as well. He's really great, but I don't even know how to begin to approach it. I feel like when I talk to him, I am bothering him. I mean, I don't think that I actually am, it's just that I feel like that he might have better things to do than talk to his 22 year old homo brother who makes jokes about everything under the sun. Sometimes, the 22 year old homo brother is just trying to get his older brother to laugh because he thinks that maybe he'll want him to stay around and just hang out. I don't even really know what my brother's hobbies are or anything. I really wish it wasn't like that.

I have five cousins who are all younger than me. They range from 10-19. One of them, I have not seen since he was 5. He's 17 now. We live in the same town and haven't moved ever. My aunt and uncle never even talk to me unless we just happen to run into each other in town(they stay away from Target). I don't know why. One of my cousins, um, I don't even want to talk about that. The others, I would genuinely like to get to know. All this is so hard. Why do I feel like this is the first day of school and I'm trying to introduce myself to people? These are suppose to be my family members and I couldn't tell you the eye color of 99% of my direct family aside from my mom, dad, and two younger siblings. It's sad.

I'm putting myself to bed now.

I definitely do not think I was ready for what went down yesterday that carried over into today. I feel like I'm being broken up with. I feel sad, depressed, like I'm losing something I'll never get back, friendships are being lost, bonds are being broken, and overall just a sense of failure. I feel that this is more of a problem than an opportunity.

If it isn't broken, please don't fix it. It's not necessary.

I never really realized how attached I was to my position at work. I feel like my heart is broken. No lie. I've just been doing the same thing for so long, it's going to be so different. I'm really going to miss being the front end manager. I am going to miss my team. I'm going to miss getting crunk with crazies at the service desk, and most of all I'm going to miss my boss. Although I'm going to be in the same store, I'm going to be in a completely different area, have different team members and worst of all, a different boss. One which I cannot get along with right now as it is, and I don't even really have to deal with him. I can only imagine the drama that's going to go down when I change positions.

I think this is one of the saddest times I've gone through. Granted, it's not the saddest, but seriously, it sucks.

It's all suppose to prepare me for something that is bigger and better for me, but this transition is going to be so hard.

I can't keep talking about this right now, but as it gets closer to the transition date, I'm sure I'll blog/vlog about it more and tears will be flowing more than Cristal at a Diddy party.

Thanks for everyone who's been supporting me and trying to keep me positive. I really appreciate it. It's nice to know that I have people who really care. Thanks. :-)

I remember the old saying about how, "It's easier to be good person than try to be a bad person." I'm not so sure about either of those, actually. I've found that it takes work, either way. A conscious effort needs to be made to stay on the right(or wrong) track.

Good vs evil.

I really hope good wins.

Amazing stuff happened today. I hung out with my bff for the first time in a LONG time, we made a LOT of plans for the next year, AND I made some amazing videos on my camera.

All that got me pretty tired, so I'll devote tomorrow to going to see my aunt(I've promised I would go there for the past 2 months and I haven't), editing/posting videos, and getting ready for the week ahead.

Night!

...I couldn't stop talking after the first vlog, so here's the result of that...

More Rambling about my last day...

I'm so glad to be back home. Well, the mess isn't that nice, but whatever.

I have a new thing I'm planning on doing and I'm too excited about it. I can't wait to post it on here and let everyone see! I'm also planning some fun comedy time this evening with my boss and his peers. It's going to be great. It's all centered around the concept of pointing out obvious things. Oh, it's going to be amazing.

I guess I need to start cleaning now though. I'll post more vlogs later.