::yeah, it's Lucus(dot)com::

Do you really not know how you look when you come bounding in somewhere talking like you just came out of some Atlanta back street gang, with your two bad kids screaming about how they want to go home and the third child on your hip while you are on your prepaid Tracphone talking to your baby daddy about how much you hate him, but if he wants to buy you something, sure you'll go over to his place for a little "somethin."

True story. It is sickening.

I'm on break right now at work drinking a Dr. Pepper hoping that he'll give me the energy to make it through the rest of the day. I feel like I've been ran over a few times and I have a splitting headache. Oh sinuses, I love you so.

Chris is determined to believe that we are both sick and it is from my little brother and sister. No, we aren't just a stuffy nose and a headache says two words to me... Sinus infection.

It sucks too because I have my physical next Wednesday and I don't want to be sick when I go. :-(

I wish I didn't have to, but I am cutting some people out of my life right now and as much as I need to I really don't want to. It is hard, especially since they are family members. They haven't really been "family" in a long time. :-(

I'll explain more later, I'm sure.

Something happened today at work that has never happened to me before in my life.  1-I was threatened by a customer, 2-I was "wished" to die a very horrible death, and 3-I allowed myself to get sucked into the argument which made all the person's comments really get to me and I had to leave my area practically running so people wouldn't see me crying my eyes out.  The specific comments need not be repeated, but I just can't stop thinking about it.  No one's words have ever had this kind of control over me.  

I went into the GE office, shut the door, and sat there for a good hour bawling my eyes out.  Every executive in the building, one of my peers, and a few team members came in gave me lots of hugs and told me how they were there for me.  I liked the outpouring of emotion that made me realize how much people really care about me; I also needed a good cry.  I haven't had that in a while either.  (Trying to be on the positive-side here.)  It sucks that people who are naturally happy and always give off that aura, others seek out to destroy their personality.  I haven't been the same since it happened today.  I don't feel like the same Lucus.  

Those words cut so deep.  I would never do that to someone.  Death wish?  That's really asking for something bad to happen to you in your life.  It's God's way of showing you that he knows what irony is too.

I need some divine intervention here.  I need guidance.  I need to be shown which way I need to turn.  All I know everything is going to be alright.  No one, can get in the way of what I am feeling.  I need to go to church.  I really need to turn my life around.  

I received some not-so-great news yesterday that just upset me.  At the same time, I started understanding why I was feeling the way I've been feeling.  Pressure.  All this pressure on me from the wrong people.  Why are all these random people constantly asking me what I am doing with my life?  Because they're insecure with theirs.  I've been with my job longer than most adults are with theirs.  I've worked my way up, and I'm still striving for more.  Why should I be embarrassed that I am 22 years old, who works 40 hours a week, making a very good income(even for some adults), and going to college full time?  Yeah, I may graduate a little later than I originally thought, but I don't care.  I'd rather graduate late and make the grades than rush myself and have a GPA that I'm definitely not going to be proud of.  

I have come to this incredible revelation that makes me feel as if a lot of weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  I'm getting better now.  

I'm going to try to focus in on the short-term goals first, then gradually work my way up to my long-term goals.

I just wish I was someone else right now.

I am really glad my family is having Christmas at my house this year.  I just hope it goes as well as I am thinking it should.  My family is notorious for throwing the proverbial wrench in any sort of good working plans that they are involved in.  Some of them, at least.

I still have Kim, Gayle, my dad, my step-dad, and a few various people at work to give gifts/holiday cards to.  I have no clue what I am going to get any of them.  Oh yeah and Chris's mom and maybe his sister because she's fun.  

I realize that a lot of my gifts will have an accompanied, "It's better to give than to receive," mental attachment in my brain while I'm giving them, but I just need to focus on the main thing here, a sane Christmas.  

Work will get back to normal on the 27th because we start closing again at 10p.  I'm so happy about that.  I hate being in that place until 12a every night I close.  It's such bs.  I just don't want to get really discouraged with that place, but I already feel like I am.  After sitting down with one of my executives and having a talk about a week ago, I just became really upset.  Is that all I'm seen as?  Just because I try to be happy and excited at work, I come off as 1-a child, 2-unprofessional, 3-bad appearance(don't even get me started on that one), and 4-a bad leader.  Ok, well, maybe it wasn't exactly those words, but a lot of things were brought up that really didn't need to be said.  

Hypothetical situation:  Someone has a HUGE scar on their face that everyone can see.  Obviously the person acts like nothing's there, even though they live with it every day and probably are really insecure about it.  If someone were to ever bring that up, even to ask, "Hey, what happened?"  It would be a tremendous thing in the persons life for them to overcome only because no one is that uncouth to actually bring it up.  Well...there are some people.

Same situation goes with me at work, the "scar" is some of the things I do that I can't help.  Why in this world would you bring something up like that in a session in which you are suppose to be helping me try to better myself?  Do you honestly think I am going to respond to anything you have to say after that?  No.  Some people...*sigh*

School.  The other elephant in the room.  I'm trying so hard to ignore it, but it just isn't working.  Thank 8 lb 6 oz sweet baby Jesus for Kim helping me with next semester.  She is going to show me how to time manage and get myself organized.  Yeah, it sucks being 22 years old and have no clue what the hell you're doing.  I must make all A's.  There's no other choice.  I wish that I could start over because I would do things so differently.  Since I can't, I have to learn from my mistakes and move on.  

Do I really want to stay at work?  No.  I love some parts of my job SO much, but others, I could really just pay someone else to do them and I would be ok with that.  There's always going to be douche bag managers, employees, and peers.  It sucks when there are so many.  

I feel like I've lost so many of my friends.  I feel like I don't have a life anymore.  What happened to Jenny, Matt, Amanda, Josh, Brandi, Darla, Jessie, and countless others that I barely even talk to anymore?  I don't even know when or where it started.  I want it to change.  I want to have social, educational, work, and still have some time to just be relaxed.  It just seems to get harder and harder.  How does everyone else do it.

I just need a life overhaul.  I mean, there's 24 hours in a day.  I want to sleep a preferable 8 of those hours, work another 8, and where do the other 8 go?  6 to school, and 2 for traveling and getting ready to do these things.  There you go.  There's life.

Where's the fun?  Where did it go?  For once in my life I wish I could just be a student.  I guarentee my grades would be perfect if I was.  I haven't been, "Just a student," since I was in 10th grade(16years old).  When I talk to my parents and others about it, it was just me being, "Responsible," and a good kid.  I've worked for everything I have, but I don't really think I have anything much to show for it nor the time to enjoy it.  

I feel like I'm having a melt down.

really.

i do.

It's not insomnia.  It's called staying up late the past few nights and sleeping until 1p.

It's a vicious cycle, kiddies.  Believe it.

I haven't written in here in a long ass time.  I really haven't actually typed anything up on an actual computer.  I've been mobile posting with my iPhone, which I love, for my past few posts.  I have been going through a lot lately.  Christmas is coming up, semester is ending, and work...oh work, you never cease to amaze the hell out of me.  

I swear to 8lb 6oz Sweet Baby Jesus, my place of employment is much like an abusive relationship, a bi-polar person, or maybe could best be described as a crazy ass person with turrets.  You never know what the hell you are going to get.  When it's good, it's good, but when it's bad, you better think of a great story to tell your friends how you got that black eye from your abusive boyfriend.  Yeah, you're just really clumsy, it's not that you're being intentionally broken down to the last piece of a person that is recognizable to you.  We're such a team.

School has ended for this semester.  I don't even want to talk about it.  I really don't.  I met some really great people this semester, but this semester for classes has really been difficult.  Now, I'm going through all this mess with fucking immunizations that is ridiculous.  I don't even know if I'm going to be able to register for next semester yet.  More to come later, I'm sure.  

At this point, with my friends and Chris it is like The Hills, let me break it down.  CUE THE INTRO MUSIC....

Lucus and Chris:  Heidi and Spencer(respectively)

Kim:  Lauren

Sarah:  Whitney(she doesn't do the face like I do, but still...)

Gayle:  Audrina

Will:  Justin-Bobby

So much drama.  Chris and Kim got into a fight about a week ago and it was ridiculous.  As long as there isn't a rumor about a sex tape or something going around, I think we'll all be alright.  It's just been really crazy lately in all parts of my life.  I just need it to all settle down.  Now that the holidays are coming up, I think the drama might be calming down.  Don't even get me started on how crazy my family has been lately.