After all that I've been doing lately, I realized that I might need a break. I have felt a breaking point coming at some point in the very near future and I really don't think that would be a positive thing to have happen. I think I'm going to request off some time from work during May to clear my head while school is out so that I can be fresh and ready to go when I go back in June. I have two more real classes left then there is the final for my class. After taking the test this morning, I'm unsure of why I would even go into the class again, but alas, I must batter and bruise myself just a little bit more before this class is over and I receive the grade that I probably deserve, F.
Are there any quality points with that?
Joking.
As I was driving home from school this morning, weeping in sorrow over my test that I had just taken, my battery light comes on in my car, YAY! Chris checked it out when I got to Cartersville, but couldn't see anything wrong with it. Ugh. It's either the battery or the alternator, both of which will cost money to fix. Let's tally up what needs to be done with my car at this point in time...
- Battery/Alternator
- Heater coil
- Air Conditioner
- Back brakes
Yay, so much fun. :-) I must stop this writing and get ready for my evening at the bullseye.
H
O
L
L
A
!
I have felt really introspective lately. Well, aside from the outburst of emotions and crazy actions of my family members, I had felt that way before that. The unneeded drama with my family just drove me to a place that I really didn't want to be. I over think things too much which puts me into a situation that I just can't deal with.
I want so many things right now and it's killing me that I can't just go out and do all of what I want to do. I want to fast forward over the next two years, graduate, buy a house, and be settled. I want a new job with hours that don't suck. Don't get me wrong, I love the company I work for, but damn these hours suck. 4.5 years of this mess, you'd expect to be adjusted to it, but I don't think my body or anyone else's can get adjusted to these crazy ass hours. Ok, here's a typical work week starting from Friday(two days ago):
- Open
- Close
- Close
- Close
- Open
- Off
- Open
- Open
- Off
- Off
- Close
- Open
- Off
- Open
- Close
- Open
- Open
- Close
- Open
- Off
Ok, I got a little carried away, but that's my exact schedule. What the hell? Closing at 11p, being back in at 7:30a...
It seems like I'm never going to get "there." You know, "there," the place where I want to be in life. I love certain aspects of my life: my love, my friends, and some other things, but I want to get to that place where everything is just "there." Where I can just breathe that sigh of relief and just say, "You've done it."
Maybe it'll be soon...
I really hope so.
I really want one day to have kids of my own. I'm sure that it won't happen, but I just want to really bad. I mean, obviously I am gay and I just can't go out and have kids on my own or have my wife/girlfriend have children for me, but I really have always wanted to have children since I have graduated high school. I want to be able to look at my kids and see my nose, eyes, facial structure, etc. I have thought about it for so long and honestly had dreams about how amazing it would be to have a family of my own that depended on me as their provider and care giver. Not saying that I have SO much to learn about life and everything, but I have no doubt in my mind that I would be a great dad someday. I mean, it really hurts to think that I won't be able to have that for myself.
Then, I thought when my little brother and sister were born, I could be a great big brother to them, and FINALLY I would be able to show someone in my family the love I actually can give to them. I also thought I would finally be able to have the siblings that I've always wanted that were in the same situation as I was. Well, obviously, if anyone knows the state of my family, that didn't work. The only time I was able to see either of them is when I lived with my dad and even then I wasn't allowed to really hang out with them or anything. I feel like I probably will never know my younger brother and sister just as I really don't know my older brother even though we all grew up around each other, it's just not the way my family operates. I just don't understand why everything in my family is always so complicated and can never just be easy. If anything ever goes right or smoothly, I'm severely worried that something or someone is going to come along and mess everything up for us all.
I just don't even know my family at all. I don't want to be around any of them. They've finally hurt me in a way that I really don't know if I'll ever be able to mend from. None of them know how bad I'm hurting right now from what all they've done to me. It's MY brother and MY sister and this is going to suck so bad for those two innocent children so bad. It all goes back to the fact of everyone in my family underestimating me and what I'm capable of. I would do anything in the world for those two children.
I just need to talk to my aunt(the only good one I have). She always puts everything in perspective for me and can make me understand things so clearly. She and I relate better than anyone else in this family. I love my family, but I will never forgive or forget what they've done to me today.
In lieu of our attempted robbery last Thursday, we've all been a little on edge at the store. I, on the other hand, have been filling everyone's head with empowering things to do in the chance another dumbass ghetto mother fucker decides to walk through the doors and try to scare the shizzle out of us. Top things to do:
- Kick him in the throat.
- Kick him in the back of the forehead.
- Laugh
- Say, "Are you kidding me right now? Do you actually think this store has ANY money whatsoever that would be worth this?"
We all know that I am joking, but it's good to get a laugh out of everyone, especially the woman that it actually happened to.
In other news, the convienience store 1.5 miles away from my house had an attempted robbery yesterday as well. Let me paint the picture of how this mess goes down... Guy comes in, pulls out a knife on the store owner and tells him to give him all the money, he gets the money out of the register, the robber starts to walk out, the store owner then grabs his gun from under the counter, and threatens the guy to move. The store owner calls the cops and held the robber at gunpoint until the police show up. :-) Talk about empowerment. That is freaking awesome.
I have officially kept my checkbook balanced for a total of nearly 20 days. Go me. I also bought some really hot stuff from Hollister, Express, and a new Fossil wallet from Macy's today. It's kind of sad though, I've had the same wallet since I was 15 years old when I got my learner's permit. However, I've wanted that Fossil wallet for SO long now, it's worth it.
I went to the mall with Darla today(obviously, if you couldn't tell by the shopping part in the previous paragraph). Darla had a nice big black eye when she got in the car with me. Long-story about how she got it, but try going to the mall shopping with a pregnant girl walking beside her and she have a black eye. Oh, the looks you get. We both kept trying to make light of the situation, but we couldn't help thinking how everyone was staring at us thinking that 1-I'm an abusive boyfriend/baby-daddy, 2-Darla's a battered woman, and 3-I hit pregnant girls. All of those things are of course untrue, but gah, the looks we got were crazy. We also saw this girl from high school working in Hollister. She was all about running up to the front to check our bags when the alarm went off because the douche bag guy that checked me out was too busy paying attention to the preteen sluts that were in line behind us to deactivate my damn items. When Darla and I tried to make conversation, she quickly brushed us off and walked away. Evil whore.
Write.
More.
Later.
Yay, my checkbook is balanced!!!
Ok, so this happened on Thursday, 12 April, 2007. I WAS working at the service desk and I WAS suppose to be there, but I ran out to the front and told someone, "Hey, I'm going to hop on a register out here, we're getting backed up, watch the service desk, ok?'
"Ok Lucus!"
About 5minutes later THE SAME guy walks into MY line at register 5 and just stands there looking at me, then what the fuck, we send his ass to the service desk to check out, and....you'll get the rest from this article....
"Pedestrians stood on the sidewalks in front of the Cartersville Target at 100 Cherokee Place Thursday afternoon, watching as police handcuffed several men after an attempted armed robbery at the store. Store personnel and witnesses told the Cartersville Police Department that a black man entered the store and confronted an employee at customer service. After displaying an unknown type of weapon, the suspect demanded money from the store clerk.
The employee was unable to access store funds, and no money was obtained by the suspect. The suspect subsequently fled the store into the parking lot. The suspect was described as a black man, about 20 years old, 5-feet-5-inches tall and 150 pounds.
"It was quiet," said a customer watching the scene outside the store. "They kept it quiet."
The customer said she and a group of females with her were looking at hats and trying on clothes and were completely unaware of the attempted robbery.
No customers or employees were injured during the incident."
Just want to be a good English student and cite my source... www.daily-tribune.com Thanks.
I just want to get down on my knees and thank God that we're all alright. This stupid mother fucker needs his ass locked down after that bunch of bullshit he pulled.
Ok, so I have this problem. As I sit or stand there and talk to my boss, I'm honestly thinking some really not-so-nice things that I find absolutely hilarious.
Brooke from Real World Colorado reminds me of one of my overly dramatic people I work with. Everything from the accent, the slutty attire, and loud mouth comments that are clearly inappropriate and all the signs of a spoiled child reminds me of this person. If you work with me, you know who I am talking about. ESPECIALLY with the dramatic crying episodes and immature petty BS she pulls...
I hate it when people lie. I do. What is the point? I mean, a white lie is alright. Let's define a white lie... "Um, we're not doing anything for your birthday," (when you actually are), "No, I'm not coming to see you at work, I'm about to go to sleep," (when you're outside about to walk in). Stuff that is beneficial, not hurtful, malicious, or things that are just going to "save an argument" if you tell the truth. Damn, be a man/woman about it. Just tell the truth, it's a lot easier.
I love driving around aimlessly. It's so fun and so relaxing to me. Not just driving on the country-side looking at miles and miles of green space, but driving through the city too. You notice so much more when you do this every once in a while. I, on the other hand, do it a lot. It just clears my head and makes me go to a really happy place.
I really like having my eyebrow pierced again. It's a conversation piece.
I need some sleep. I need to go to bed. Now.
Yesterday afternoon when I got off work, I was tired. I mean, to the point of I was ready to quit my job of 4.5 years, take out a huge student loan to pay for all my expenses until I graduate, tell my parents they are going to have to start supporting me, and pretty much throw in the towel and say, "I can't do this anymore."
I had a rough day at work, to say the least, and everyone saw me at my breaking point. Not to get into the logistics of the entire situation, but someone went home and I was stuck with one cashier from 12 until 3:30, with absolutely no help from anyone. Tell me if that makes sense to you... I was being talked down to by a certain senior team lead, and it felt as if I was being pulled in every direction all at the same time. I almost started crying, I almost started cursing like a sailor, and I even asked one of our Human Resource people for a two-week notice form.
Luckily, I didn't cry, I did curse (a little), and she wouldn't give me the form.
After my very stressful day, my new boss then calls me into his office to give me my yearly review. Ok, something I can handle, Clarisa wrote it, I pretty much know what she's going to say...no big deal. Wrong! My boss proceeds to tell me that, "Clarisa didn't write anyone's reveiew before she left, so your temporary boss did."
What
The
Fuck.
Ok, so my pay increase wasn't the problem. It was the things that were said in the review and the actual score that I received. Yeah, the pay is great, but when you are looking to move up or go to a different job, they don't say, "Oh, how much was your last increase?" No they ask, "What was your last review score?" I have NEVER received anything but the absolute best or at least pretty damn close to it. Well, I know for a fact that Clarisa wrote ALL our reviews before she left and turned them in. It was other people who didn't want an accurate account for how my peers and I did over the past year who accidentally lost our reviews. SO ignorant.
My new boss and store manager had very encouraging words for me, but I know there are two certain executives that don't want me in that store. That's alright. Things will work out for me.
After all that, I came home and slept for the rest of the afternoon. After all that, when I tried to go to bed last night, I couldn't fall asleep. I laid in bed from 10p-2:30a just thinking, planning, and couldn't turn my thoughts off. Between work, school, and just random thoughts going through my head, I couldn't go to sleep. Finally, when I did, guess what I had dreams about? Work and school.
I have a good amount of things to do today, and I'm going to have some fun. Plus, I have a lot of time to spend with Chris, he's out of work today for some stuff. I love him so much. I am glad I can be here for him.
HOLLA!
So I saw two of my old friends the other day that just happen to be sisters. They were all abuzz with the tales of their lives and such when the one turns around proceeding to show me her stomach in some sort of, "Look at me, I'm pregnant after I got married about 2.5seconds ago." Needless to say, I was like, "Aw, congrats." The entire thing was very unshocking to me because she clearly bypassed the fact that I helped her about a two months ago with her wedding registry, then about a week or so later with her baby registry. Pardon me, but I don't think people just register for a baby as wishful thinking, there's a bun in that over. Ew, bad mental picture. Strike that.
The other sister, who already has a child, begins recounting tales from the past of which some I'd rather forget. Granted, we're all standing over at Register 4(the express lane, mind you) trading stories that I don't want anyone in the world to know because of the ridiculousness of them, and my cashier pretty much stops ringing them up to listen in.
After I notice this, I then do my classic "disengage conversation" move that I always do at work if I really don't want to talk to the person a second longer... I point at a cashier(behind the person that I'm talking to), that clearly doesn't need any help, and say, "Hey (insert name here), do you need me?" The cashier looks baffled, but at the same time their head is turned, I give the nod for, "Say yes," I say, "It's great seeing you, I'll call you soon, ok!?! We've GOT to hang out sometime!" I walk away and busy myself over with the cashier until said person(s) walk away.
Ah, just another day at Target.
It's true. It seems like everyone in the center lane is getting slower and slower each Monday and Wednesday morning when I'm heading to KSU in 7a rush hour traffic, when I have to swing my large ass explorer over into the old-school "slow-lane" to get around the people who are doing the speed limit in the center lane.
Oh, but wait. What I'm loving the most are these soccer mom's and dad's in their Kia's. Oh my gosh. These people are all up on their steering wheel as if they are in a crazy race to see who can get the kids dropped off at the car-rider line at the elementary school first, get in the 20 car line at Starbucks, then to honk their horn with a complete look of anguish and frustration while their sitting in the parking lot we know as Interstate 75.
Please, move over to the real slow lane, ALL the way to the right, if you want to do the speed limit. Sir/'Mam, I haven't the time do go 65 down I-75. If you've lived here for more than six months, you know if your ass isn't at least going 75 down through there, you're about to get the shizzle knocked out of you or at least piss a lot of people off. Yes, that's you who is being talked about on All The Hits Q100 hitting their brakes at various points throughout the morning rush.
School was alright this morning. Too long. I got up and left with half of the class 3/4 way through. It was just boring.
More later.
I definitely haven't updated in a good minute. Not much has been going on. Easter was pretty fun, I got to see my little brother and sister which was AMAZING. I love those two so much it's crazy. My dad, on the other hand, is being a douche bag recently and I don't know why. Oh well, I ate A LOT at my grandma's and even more at my mom's. I love holidays. Ok, I love food. Yeah, I'm working on that one though.
Everyone's first question today: "Where is Chris? Is Chris coming?"
"No, Chris isn't coming, he's at his family's house for dinner."
"Oh..."
Well, I got some good catch-up time with my grandma too. She's going to teach me how to cook some things in the next week or so. She told me to come up and bring whatever I wanted and she'd bust out her old recipes to show me how to cook old school style, ya heard? lol.
Over the past week of not updating, I've been working/going to school and though it all I've been battling an oncoming cold which I am still on the verge of getting. Lots of fluids and food for me to keep me well ahead of whatever strain of flu/cold/wtfe kind of mess is coming around for me.
Right now, I'm keeping warm all in my house trying to get this HUGE load of clothes dry for school and work tomorrow. I did get some, not-so-happy news today, but I kind of expected it anyway. Whatever. I guess I really don't have anyone in my life/family that I can truly depend on what they say they'll do. I understand that there's more important things in people's lives than me, but if you promise me something that I've wanted for...hm...since I was 11, don't disappoint and renegotiate on it. Yeah, 16 April isn't that far, but then you said, "We'll see what I can do AFTER that." Then, she's suppose to "help" me with it? Yeah, I guess I'll be in debt myself paying for that shit on my own. Thanks.
Oh yeah, best part of my entire weekend... Brandi, Darla, and I(just like old times) hung out last night and it was SO much fun. We spent like 2.5hrs at Applebees just talking, laughing, and catching up. It was so great, I honestly couldn't have asked for anything better; I needed that.
I'm sitting, waiting, wishing that Chris would get his ass home now. Why is it that he always says out past 10p EVERY weekend night that I have off? I hate waiting on people, and I hate being alone. WHAT THE FUCK.
Posted on 9:15 PM
Call me a horrible person if you like, but I haven't been happier since Facebook (and myspace, when I had it back in the day) started showing your friend's birthday's about a week in advance. That's some awesome stuff there, bud. I cannot keep up with dates. No lie. I ask everyone at work the date/day of the week about 5.2 billion times in a day, so how can I remember when each and every one of my friends and family member's birthday's are? Exactly. I can't. I can normally give you a generalized date or at least a month in which someone's birthday is, but I really can't remember. So, if you see me checking out my Facebook on a religious occasion clicking on the birthday tab, please forgive me, but I'm pretty glad that I have this very important utility to keep my friends around and keep them from being mad at me. :-)
As for my day... I can't really say that it was the best one(except for this afternoon around 7-9p). My boss is a straight out douche bag, the human resource guy is just worthless at life, and there's this umpa-lumpa looking crazy ass other executive that works at my store that just can't get enough of bothering the shizzle out of me. But hey, I still go back for that paycheck every two weeks.
Speaking of work, my best friend's boyfriend got a job at my store, which means in 90 days, I will be getting a bonus check for $500!!! What-what?!? Yeah, that's pretty awesome.
I've finally started my savings. Ok, yes, I'm nearing 22 and just starting my savings, BUT at the same time, I am going to try to make up for it by contributing A LOT to my savings over the next year and then leveling it out as the next two years progress. Sounds really responsible, huh? Yup, growing up here, one day at a time...
At times I feel like I can't seem to accomplish anything fully, you know from start to finish. I am always cleaning, but it never seems to be done. I'm always trying to organize my things, but I never seem to be finished or get it right. I am so ready for another vacation. I really don't know what this vacation would be from, per say, only because I just got off of my weekend off and I rarely have to stay a fully hour and fifteen minutes in my ONE class that I have this semester.
I just feel stressed.
About what?
I'm not too sure, but I would love to find out.
I just paid off all my credit card debt, all my bills are at a zero balance until the end of next month, and I have paid off my car as well. I'm not sure why I'm so stressed right now. I just am. I haven't been sleeping very well for, let's say, the last month because of these crazy ass dreams I've been having that a few are reoccurring. Now, I know what you all are going to say about how I probably just need to anti-depressants and some sleep medication and I'll be set. Nae. I just think that once I finally get settled down in my program of study at KSU, maybe that'll provide me with some sort of relief. As for my family, I don't know. They are due for a good screw up right about now. If you knew them, you'd understand. Chris and I are doing alright too, which is great. :-)
I am just stressed about something and I can't put my finger on it. I know it has to do with what I'm dreaming about, but I just can't seem to shake it out and move on from it. Pretty much sucks. What sucks even more is when I try to tell people about my dreams that I'm having, they change the subject or just pretend like they don't hear me or say something really negative that makes me want to just stop talking. If I can't talk about these dreams I've been having, my stress levels are not going to go down for a good long time.
Maybe I'll just cut myself and make the pain go away.
Did I just say that? WTF. I'm not emo, I'm just upset. I'm not a cutter either.
I'll update on how I'm feeling later.
I'm tired. I have 1.5 billion things I have to get accomplished before the start of work this afternoon at 3p. Clean the house, clean out my car, go get paperwork from Rome for Chris, and so forth and so on... Then, I go into work, get a bunch of hassle with my boss about getting my cashiers to get people to apply for credit cards, busy afternoon because all the high schools in the county are on Spring Break, soccer mom's coming in pissed off, and I'm not dealing with our new return policy. I am not about to get hit over this. Bump that shizzle. I really don't care, and the first person that yells at me about it, will hear it from me. My paycheck is great at the end of each two weeks, but just to let you know, I'm not dealing with that bunch of bs having people yell at me even more than they already do because some dumbass up in a corporate office has sat there and thought it'd be a good idea to change our without a receipt return policy to this new bunch of crazy mess.
Well, I set out to do some fun stuff this weekend...rain ruined my original plans for Sunday(Q100 Concert), but Saturday was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!
Not only did I get a lot accomplished, I also just had a great time doing it. After calling, calling, calling, and calling everyone in my phone book, Linda finally texted me back to say that she wanted to hang out with me after she got off work. She was in my top 3(number 1) choice people that I wanted to go hang out with, so I was very happy. After I picked her up from work, she and I headed to Town Center to do a little shopping. I was really proud of myself to spend as little as I did when I knew I had a pretty high amount for a budget. I bought some boxers, a shirt, and some shorts that make me want to squeel like a little girl every time I see them. Yeah, they're that great. After we left, I tried to go to Old Navy to find khaki's for work because one of the new executives said that I looked slovenly with my cargo pants and cute belt on. Sorry old ass, don't mean to make you wish that you looked as good as I do and could still wear this stuff without people saying, "He/She needs to dress more age appropriate."
I finished my Saturday off with Linda getting my eyebrow pierced again. It looks SO good. I'll post pics of it soon. We then went to Target, showed Gayle, visited for a few, and I dropped Linda off at her friend's house. As I was riding home, I decided to go for a run. Quick costume change for your hero, and flash forward to me running around Dellinger Park at one of the best times. It was amazing, no one was around to bother me and it was great.
Sunday. Oh Sunday. As I said earlier, my original plans for going to the Q100 Concert in the park with Chris, Carrie, and Linda were ruined by the fabulous rain that came down upon us all day here in Georgia. At least the pollen is gone off of my car now; there was no chance in hell I was about to wash it with all that yellow mess all over my sexy Explorer. In lieu of the rain, Chris and I opted for going to Perimeter Mall for a little while(browsed the Apple store, yum). Then, we headed home to Town Center. Nice stuff. Lunch at On The Border which was SO good, loved it, then back to the house for a nice afternoon hanging around here. Good stuff.
