Blue Light Special
I'll take a blue light special, please. On the side, I'd like four other cops, along with the one at my truck. EXTRA-redneck, ONLY, please.
These events happened recently. Like, really recently. Posted: 7 November, 2004
Here's how the whole thing went down... I'm pulling out of Gaston-Westbrook Ave(beside Doug's Place) going left on 293 toward Cville as the police pulls a U-turn on 8th Street to follow my ass. Right behind me as I'm heading out of town, and less than a tenth of a mile before the City Limits end, the blue lights come on. Honestly, I had no fucking clue why it was happening. This is one time I can honestly say, I was not doing a damn thing wrong. I pull over in the parking lot of the store, reach for my insurance card, pull my wallet out of my pocket, and I start shaking really bad. Roll down the window, it's freezing outside. The police officer shines the light RIGHT in my fucking eye, "Son are you on Narcotics?" No, hello, no nothing, shines that bitch right in my fucking eye and asks me that ridiculous question. "No sir." Then, his fucking dumb, closet-case, redneck, tobacco-chewing, Jerry Springer watching, Cops wannabe ass says, "Well, why are you squinting your eyes and why are they red?" You fucking dumbass. "Well, sir, your light is in my eyes so I mean, I'm not going to let it blind me, and I have a sinus infection." "Well, see, here's the problem son, we have had a lot of issues here with narcotics, you wouldn't happen to have any in your car now would you?" I don't know whether I rolled my eyes or just gave him this look of utter disbelief, but then he proceeds to ask me for my driver's license/insurance. He sees it. The last name, asks about it, "Why yes sir that is my dad/family." After he hassles me about this, he says, "Well, son do you know why we pulled you over?" and seriously, I just said, "No sir, I have no clue, I'm totally confused about this." Now, here's the best part yall. He says, "Well, son, you have a tag light that is out." Wait, let's repeat this... A FUCKING TAG LIGHT is out? WTF? "Would you object to us searching your vehicle?" Why? What does a tag light, not a break light, head light or any other light, signal to say, "This kid has drugs in his car, and we should search it"? I asked him why and told him again that I was confused. He said, "Well sir(yes, this time he said sir), since there's a problem with this in the area and given your last name, we feel it is necessary." I said, "Whatever, but I'm watching you, because I know how cops are." He then proceeds to say, "Are you calling us crooked?" OH yeah, I forgot to mention the fact that after about two minutes sitting there with this cop, four more pulled up behind him as "reinforcements." WTF? I'm 5'10", 140-lbs, skinny kid. Not saying that I couldn't have whipped the cops ass, which I desperately wanted to, but four cops is not necessary.
So I open my door, get out, and he says, "I have to pat you down." This was so fucking embarrassing. Hands on hood, feet spread apart, felt me up. He had the audacity to ask me if my cell phone(feeling it through my pocket) was a gun, and if my pack of Orbit in the other pocket was cigarettes. Now, how the hell are you going to mistake a cell phone, Nokia 3390, as a fucking gun. I realise that it's a few years old and a little thick, but it doesn't feel like a gun. Now, I mean, maybe something else "down there" might've felt a little different to him, since I'm sure he has a small dick and has never experienced something like THAT, but not a fucking cell phone. So he searches me, as well as every fucking thing in my truck, going through my mirror, my bag of fast food trash in the floorboard, and my cd case. What a fucking putz. I watched his ass like a fucking hawk too, even though the one cop was trying to keep me away. I know how cops are, they will fucking plant something in your car, and your ass will be fucking arrested for something you didn't even do. He finishes and tells me to sit in my truck and wait until he, "Figures out what he's going to do." He goes back, talks with the other officers, and while he's doing this, I grab my mobile out of my pocket, and who do I call? Duh, my mom. She answers, I'm trying not to cry(I seriously thought for some reason that I was going to be arrested), and I was just like, "Look, calm me down Momma, I've been pulled over, they're back in their car figuring out what they are going to do, and I need you to calm me down." My mom starts talking some crazy shit that I don't know what the hell is and what does she say? "Let me speak to the cop. Give him the phone." I was like, "Are you drinking? WTF. Oh my gosh, put Jimmy on the phone." Jimmy picks up the phone and I start telling him what's going on, and he got me a little calmed down, and then I noticed that he was walking toward my car again, and I was like, "OH MY GOD, I gotta go." *Click* Cop comes up to my truck, hands me my driver's license, insurance card, and puts this clipboard on my steering wheel and says, "I'm not issuing you a ticket, I'm just giving you a warning, because this is such a minor violation. It'll only cost about $2 at Auto Zone to get the bulbs to replace it." I sign the form and he says, "Also, it'd be to your best interest if you stay clear of this area down here, being who you are, and who your family is." What. The. Fuck. "I beg your pardon, sir?" "Well, son(there's that word again), your family has a history and you need to understand that if you come back around down here, that you're going to be watched, no matter what. Well, I hope you have a great night, and don't forget to get that fixed." He shines his light at my windshield and says, "Get that crack in your window fixed too." His dumb ass walks off and I am just sitting there not knowing what to do. Five cop cars sitting behind me, all with their blue lights STILL on, and I'm just like trying to calm down. I tapped my third eye, pulled around so I could get out, pulled out of the parking lot, on the wrong side of the road, realized that I was driving on the left side instead of the right, and quickly moved over. Drove like 30 until I got out of that town. Then, I called Jimmy back and told him what happened. Came home, and cried.
It's alright though, we're calling a lawyer tomorrow because of the way that the whole situation was handled. I'll show that fucking backwoods, sister-marrying asshole by suing his ass.